Five (More) Signs Your Dog is an Asshole

I’m feeling punchy today and the dogs are being jerks. It seemed like the right time to add to the popular post we’ve created called Five Signs Your Dog is an Asshole. Check it out, if you haven’t yet, one of the photos there is actually a finalist for the BlogPaws Nose-to-Nose Awards for Best Photo. It’s a little hysterical that, of all my posts, this is the one that is a finalist. I hope it brings some brevity to the awards night. Will I win? I highly doubt it, but we’ll help to spread laughter (at Bean’s expense) so, that’s fun!

When your dog notices you’re on your expensive smart phone, probably using it to buy their pricey food or singing their praises on all of the social media platforms (I can’t be the only person who has a shirt that says “My Dog is Famous on the Internet,” right), or scheduling a doggie play date with other dogs in town and double checking their social calendar. Either way, your dog notices, gets jealous that you’re not watching her and providing the required degree of attention. With a swift motion, your dog positions her body between you and the phone, and BLAM, the phone crashes to the ground, its protective screen shattering. Goodbye nice thing, I didn’t deserve to have you anyway. Also, your dog is an asshole. I’m looking at you, Bean.

When you have drifted into a restful slumber, and begin dreaming sweet dreams about being released in a field of baby wombats (that may actually just be my dream). The snuggly warmth of the blankets and the soft pillow comfort you when PLUNK, a drool-crusted, grimy, lint covered toy is plopped directly onto your slightly open mouth. This one was Yoda. He was the asshole of the day. I will never get that baby wombat dream back.

Look at how innocent he looks! Don't trust everything you see!

Zoomies. Male nether region. Enough said. Those cash and prizes will never be the same. Thanks a lot asshole dogs!

Sorry, everyone, this may be too much information but I’m going to say it anyway. Your dog is an asshole when he eats the crotches out of your underwear. What did my undies ever do to you, Yoda?! Eh? They are innocent pieces of fabric that now need replacement. Again.

Imagine Yoda is eating ALL THE UNDIES, instead of a tasty treat for this photo below!

It’s negative 20 out, and you have a toasty blanket covering your exposed bits as you hang out on the couch. You’ve warmed your “spot” on the couch when nature calls. You shimmy out of your warm cocoon, relieve yourself, and return to your already warmed spot and you realize, your wonderful region of warmth and comfort has been sequestered by all the dogs. They refuse to move, and cold and shivering, you resort to the coldest corner of the couch. Your dogs are assholes, and apparently they also know they’re actually the ones who are in charge.