Don’t get me wrong, I am in love with Bean and Yoda. I cherish our snuggles and I relish in their silly antics. Their joy in all things dog and living life in the moment is amazing to witness. They wiggle, they love with complete abandon, they laugh with their eyes, they revel in chasing flies and sleeping in slivers of sunlight.
All that being said. My dogs are also assholes. Not all the time, but enough to remind me that they’re like toddlers who don’t give a damn. How can you tell if your dog is also an asshole? Here are some telltale signs.
If your dog has approached you with a loving look in their eye, snuggled, maybe gave you a kiss and then promptly turned around to FART DIRECTLY IN YOUR FACE, your dog is an asshole. Bean actually farted in my mouth this morning when I was yawning. It's better than coffee as a way to wake up, I swear!
If you drive to a specialty pet food store to purchase their organic, grain free, holistic, locally sourced, free range, all natural, incredibly freakin’ expensive dog food that has “super foods” like blueberry and kale. If after you make the purchase that costs more than your own groceries, you go home and mix said expensive food with special gravy and some freeze dried duck disks, mix it with the perfect temperature water and place it in front of your dog. After you give permission for your dogs to eat their amazingly costly food, if one or both REFUSE TO EAT and essentially give you the middle finger while they scrounge for crumbs on the floor instead, your dog is most certainly an asshole.
If you put on a couple thousand layers because it’s minus 20 outside and also place warm coats and boots on your dogs as you gently encourage them to join you on an outside potty adventure. If you then spend fifteen minutes outside, shivering, as all of the neighbors and school buses drive by while you’re clearly in your pajamas and your dogs spend their time in the freezing temperatures getting distracted by squirrels and that weird buzzing noise the wires near your home are making and they fail to make a single bowel movement, only to take a steaming dump on your kitchen floor as soon as you take your coat off. Yes, your dog is an asshole.
If your dog sees the dead skunk on the ground, smells the dead skunk, and then rolls on the carcass of the dead skunk, there are two things. You’re having a pretty bad day, and your dog’s an asshole.
If your dog has found "demons" in the couch cushions, or at the bottom of the door, or maybe your china hutch, and has chewed, scratched, and eaten the "demons" out of your furniture, your dog is an asshole who has reminded you “this is why you can’t have nice things!”
There are many more reasons, I’m sure. Feel free to share your examples below. I feel like this post will have a continuation soon!
Please remember, this post was written in good fun. We, of course, love our dogs in a way that is almost inconceivable. Now go give those asshole dogs of yours some snuggles and treats!